How to ask the right questions before you can’t
My grandfather, Skip, passed away on Christmas Eve of this past year in his California home. Six months later, during a record breakingly hot July, my large family congregated at the cabin that my grandfather spent much of his time working on, and where he spent summers and the occasional winter blizzard with my grandma, Sue, my mom and her three sisters.
It’s a beautiful cabin, surrounded by centuries old conifers, blooming junipers and red tailed hawks. The cabin has been in my family for four generations, and you can find the impression of each generation scattered amongst the bookshelves and picture frames.
Yet, even in such a nostalgic place, during a time of celebrating life and memory, I found it difficult to have meaningful conversations with all of my relatives and extended family. There were just so many people to reminisce with and talk to – it was frankly overwhelming!
On August 28th, On the Table with Ashley is launching our first themed series on ‘Death and Dying.’ This series will explore end-of-life experiences, cultural perspectives on death, the impact of loss, and how facing mortality can lead to deeper connections.
In editing and working on the Death and Dying series with Ashley and Dani, I’ve been thinking a lot about the questions I wished I’d asked my grandfather before he passed. In the spirit of Âme Atendre, I have been jotting down questions that consistently turn small conversations into deep ones. Here are a few guidelines I’ve come up with as I’ve begun the process of going deeper, and learning more, not just about those in my life that might be leaving this earth soon, but of everyone around me.
- Never ask “How are you?” – In my experience this question, especially when delivered at the start of a conversation, tends to lend itself to quick responses. You’re frequently met with “I’m great, how are you?” – which isn’t so bad in some conversations (maybe you bump into someone on the street) but it’s an anticipated question that renders anticipated answers. Instead I try to ask questions that are grounded in something tangible, an experience, a place, something you can go in deeper on. For example “How do you know insert name of the host?”, “Where did you meet insert name of the host?”, “What were you doing before this?”, “What are you doing after this?” “Where did you get that shirt?”. They’re fairly simple questions, appropriate for introductions but tend to give you something more concrete that you can ask follow up questions on and go deeper
- Try and remember one thing from your last conversation with someone – If you’re just meeting someone, try and remember one key detail about them or about the conversation. That way when you see them again, it shows them that you were listening, engaged and cared enough to remember something about them. It doesn’t really matter what it is, though it’s better to remember something of substance. Even if the next time you see them that thing you remember no longer holds true, maybe they switched careers, moved, whatever it may be, it naturally propels you into a conversation of substance and shows you’re curious. This may seem fairly obvious, but when done with intention it can lead to really wonderful connections. In the words of my favorite Âme Atendre Cocktail Napkin, “Listening is the Language of Love.”
- A hold back attitude serves no one! For this last piece of advice I defer to my late grandfather Skip, who thankfully wrote a book called, “Uncle Skip’s Book of Seldom Asked for and Rarely Followed Advice” that pretty much has the answer to any question I could have asked when he was alive! He wrote on the subject of love, “Loving another person is about giving and sharing, not receiving. The most valuable and precious thing we have to give is ourselves…There is no such thing as a little bit of love – it is this ‘hold back’ attitude, this ‘I can’t let him/her see me as I really know I am’ that keeps us from really loving each other.” In summary, share the full version of yourself, it’s up to you how and when you go about sharing, but the effort shows the other person that you trust them and feel invested in whatever your relationship might be.
What are your favorite questions that you ask to go deeper? Email us at reachoutanytime@ameatendre.com with your favorite questions and conversation starters and will add them to our list for future newsletters!
